The Super Secret Diary of the Artful Dodger
by Rosebud5
Summary: Yes, it's true! I, Rosebud5, stumbled across the Artful Dodger's diary while sneaking around...I mean, visiting the hideout! And you thought Dodger was interesting before? Just wait until you hear how he really feels about Oliver, Nancy,...and prunes?
1. Prune Cake and Beautiful Nancy

Hey guys! Ok, ok so I was reading _The Roger Diaries_ by xRajahx...THE BEST_ RENT _FIC EVER! And I decided I would write the super secret diaries of some of MY favorite characters! I'll work on Dodger's for now and eventually get around to Sodapop Curtis and Jack Kelly!

So, without further ado, HERE'S DODGER'S SUPER SECRET DIARY!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, a'ight?

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**A/N: When I found this super secret diary of Dodger's, it originally had several misspellings, for our darling Dodger has no edumakation. So I fixed the spelling for this wonderful little world called Fan-fiction! But the rest is true to what Dodgey wrote! Hope it's enjoyed! And I hope Dodger never finds out I stole his diary. He's quite the character in general. His diary just proves him even more...epic? Yeah, sure. Epic.  
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_THE SUPER SECRET DIARY OF THE ARTFUL DODGER_

Dear Diary,

Alright, to start off, let's get one thing straight. If any of the boys found out I kept a diary I would positively never live it down, for I am THE ARTFUL DODGER! And the Artful Dodger don't keep diaries. Only I am. So I guess I'm defying a law of nature. But I defy lotsa laws, so it ain't really a shocking event.

BUT I DO HAVE A SHOCKING EVENT FOR YOU, MATE! Today, I saw Oliver eat a piece of cake.

Now anyone who knows the Twist kid knows this is indeed a shocking event 'cause Oliver never eats carbs. Lotsa people think he's skinny as a green bean because he's just a poor starving orphan who can't get his hands on food. This ain't true. He just don't eat carbs. And he works out in pink leg warmers to opera music. But that's not what we're talkin' about right now.

We're talking about the cake. Basically, me and Charley walked in from our day on the job and found Oliver Twist, sitting on the floor, shoveling chocolate cake into his mouth like Sikes was out to get him and it was his last meal. It was not an attractive sight, let me tell ya, mate. I can honestly say I had to do a double take, have Charley kick me in the leg, and pinch myself five times in five different places before I believed I hadn't spontaneously passed out and was dreaming or delusional. And then when I finally realized I was, in fact, totally awake, I cried "HOLY GUMBO, CHARLEY, THE BLOODY WORLD'S ENDING! QUICK, GET IN THE CLOSET AND COVER YOUR HEAD WITH A PILLOW!"

Charley didn't hesitate, let me tell ya. He grabbed a pillow and ducked into the closet, covering his head with it and rocking back and forth, sobbing "I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die!"

I was about to join him when Oliver shook his head, smiling. "No, no Dodger! Never fear! This isn't chocolate cake! It's prune cake! High in fiber and vitamins! It just LOOKS like chocolate! Honestly, Dodge, did you really think I would eat chocolate cake? Puh-leese."

I think he kept going after that but I was too busy gagging at the thought of prune cake to pay attention. I mean, the kid's made some pretty nasty things in the past but prune cake has gotta be the worst. Well...there was that one time he made me try his homemade lima bean cupcakes. I couldn't sit up for three days without puking me guts out all over the place. It was not a pleasant experience, let me tall ya.

So, you'd think Charley wouldn't exactly love the idea of prune cake either, right? Wrong. He squealed for joy and went over there and started eating the no-doubt poisonous food with Oliver! That's when I decided I was the smartest out of all my friends; and that's saying a lot since I can only do addition up to two plus two is five.

So I left those two insane people to enjoy their meal that would later turn into a barf fest and went to go find Nancy. Ain't a diary where you're supposed to record, like, your innermost feelings? Okay then.

NANCY IS THE MOST WONDERFULEST PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! SHE'S SO SWEET AND KIND AND BEAUTIFUL BUT SHE'S DATING THAT IDIOT BILL SIKES WHO I WOULD LIKE TO WHACK WITH HIS OWN STUPID STICK! THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN AND MAKE THE WORLD A MUCH HAPPIER PLACE!

But anyway.

So I went to go find Nancy, who I guessed was at the Three Cripples where she works. AND SHE WAS! I was really happy to see her. But I was so distracted by her beautiful hair in the lamp light and her dazzling smile that I tripped and fell over a table and smushed fifteen glass cups into tiny shards which I then fell onto and I cut myself up pretty bad. So I left and never got to say hi to Nancy. Some days just aren't my cup of tea.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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Hehehe well there's the first entry! Hope you all enjoyed it! I hope to have the second one up soon! :)

Review? Please? I guess either you will or you won't no matter how much I beg, but it doesn't hurt to ask, I guess.

~Rosey


	2. Bet's Me Sister and I Hate Prunes

Hey all! Well here's Dodger's second super secret diary entry! Hope you all like it!

Disclaimer: Own. Nothing. Yay.

~Rosey

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_THE SUPER SECRET DIARY OF THE ARTFUL DODGER_

Dear Diary,

Today when I came home from me job, I found Oliver plopped down on the couch reading the Woman's Home Journal and eating carrot bonbons.

But let's talk about something unusual, shall we? So, last night, after I almost died from landing on shards of broken glass when I saw the lovely Nancy, I realized something very important that could change the course of my life.

Bet is my sister.

Yes, I kid you not, Diary. Bet. Is my sister.

I guess I should have caught on when she told me her last name was Dawkins, but sometimes I swear my top hat absorbs all my logical sense. Or what little of it I have.

Okay, so here's the story. Bet told me her mother and father were named June and Jonathan Dawkins. And when she was born they knew they couldn't support her to raise her so they sent her to an orphanage, like little Orphan Annie, and eventually she escaped and made her way to Fagin's. AND JUNE AND JONATHAN ARE MY PARENT'S NAMES! Except...my mom kinda died when I was born and my dad's a meanie head...BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOW I HAVE A STINKIN' SISTER AND SHE WAS UNDER ME NOSE THE WHOLE TIME AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT!

I mean...I guess we do kinda look alike. And I found out she has the same last name as me. So it's not like knock-me-over-with-a-toothpick kinda news. Or I guess it kinda is. IMMA BROTHER! That ain't something you just hear and then forget about, you know?

So anyway, since she's me big sister, she's now taking it upon herself to make sure I'm fine and not hurt or nothing every. Second. Of. The. Day.

She just came in and told me not to get a paper cut. That's stupid.

OW I JUST GOT A PAPER CUT!

She just told me "I told you so" and told me not to bleed all over the place. Great sister, right there.

Earlier today I stubbed my toe and she made me "keep my foot elevated" for thirty minutes. She's not all there, I think. But I mean, I'm glad it's HER whose my sister and not Nancy. That would be just awkward and sad, not gonna lie. But Bet and Nance are so close they might as well be sisters. So we're back to awkward and sad...

Alright, I'm not gonna think about that one anymore. Instead I'm gonna tell you about one more shocking event that happened to me yesterday.

I found out I'm allergic to prunes. Oliver made me try his prune cake. And it was not pretty.

Life's shocking, ain't it? I got a sister and an allergy all in one day. I win.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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LOL Poor Dodger, the world's going too fast for ya, ain't it?

Review?

~Rosey


	3. I Was Legally Dead and I'm a Hobbit

Hey all! Well here's the next chappy! Enjoy! :) Oh, and just FYI, even though I have Bet and Charley in here from the musical/book, this Dodger is based off the 1997 Elijah Wood version. Elijah played Frodo in _Lord of the Rings_. This is important to know in this chappy:)

Disclaimer: I own nothing, guys.

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

DIARY! NANCY KISSED ME TODAY!

Ok, so technically it was CPR.

BUT HER LIPS TOUCHED MINE! Too bad I was out cold when it happened...

Ok, so here's the story. Bet was being super annoying and over-protective 'cause I'm her little brother now and so I ran out of the room to escape her annoying speech and I tripped and fell down the stairs. All three flights. Charley said I was legally dead for two minutes. Wish I was awake for that, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO AWESOME TO SEE! But anyway, so Nancy runs up and she's the only one of us who knows CPR and so she gave it to me! When I woke up I just remember Sikes looking very angry and Fagin looking dazed and Charley and Oliver with their jaws touching the floor and Bet looking more than slightly freaked out and Nancy staring down at me all pretty like.

At first I thought I was in Heaven but then Fagin told me I was late for me job and I knew I wasn't. I mean, maybe I could have in in the "other place," but if I was I doubt Nancy would have been there.

So Bet got all mad at me for bein' stupid and falling down three flights of stairs and she said she could have lost me after only one day. And I said "Bet, I've known you since I was nine. I'm seventeen now. That's lotsa years of knowin' me. You just found out I'm your brother yesterday. If you didn't know I was your brother would you be so sad that I fell down three flights of stairs? Doubt it, woman! Seriously doubt it!"

And then she got all sad and started crying so I had to comfort her. Darn sibling love.

And then Sikes got mad at Nancy for kissing me and she said it was just CPR but he didn't listen to her and got all mean. So I attempted to beat him up.

Guess what?

I was legally dead for another three minutes.

Life's been crazy around here, mate! For example, just two minutes ago a papaya hit me in the head. And now a coconut hit me in the eye. I think it's Oliver's aerobic work-out day again. It's those days when the rest of us just give the kid his space and get as far out of flinging range as possible. Why he uses fruits in his aerobics is beyond me, but after a while you learn not to question the kid. One time he came up to me and told me "Did you know that dog's mouths are ninety percent cleaner than human's?" Even though we all know that's totally wrong, I just let the kid keep believing that. Why burst his bubble, ya know?

Another time he ran up to me and said "Dodger, you remind me of a hobbit."

I have no bloody idea what the heck a hobbit is, but needless to say I wasn't exactly flattered at this comment. He said I looked like the Frodo one and that's a good thing 'cause Frodo saved the world. Likely story, right? But I figured, hey, if he wants to believe I saved the world, why stop him? He told me to call him Sam...but I said no.

Oh! And another time he told me that some day his life will be turned into a musical. That made me laugh, that did. Right, like who's gonna want to see a musical all about him? Me and Nancy would make a much more interesting play. _I'd _go see it, that's for sure.

Charley just came in here and asked me what I was doing writing stuff down. Well, I couldn't very well tell him I was writing in me diary or he'd think I was no less strange than Oliver. So I told him I was writing a novel called _Lord of the Rings_. I don't think he believed me 'cause when he asked me what it was about I said "A hobbit named Frodo finding a wedding ring and taking it to church." That didn't sound exactly like a best seller there, did it? The name just kinda popped out and then I thought , Wot the bloody heck kind of book would be about rings and church, unless it was a wedding novel or something. And I ain't never been to a wedding except the one for me and Nancy in me head, so I couldn't very well write a book about one. But Charley's a good mate; he didn't say nothing else about it but just nodded and said it sounded interesting. He's a good man, Charley Bates. If I was ever going to write a novel I'd be sure to put him in it.

OH MY GOSH OLIVER JUST THREW A MANGO AT FAGIN'S HEAD AND NOW HE'S GETTING THE ANGRY GLARE FROM FAGIN! I gotta go, mate! I love watching people get the Glare, as long as it ain't directed at me.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger, the novelist

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Hehehehe hope you all enjoyed this! I'm trying to make it as crazy as possible, but not get Dodger OOC. Tell me what you think in a...

**REVIEW!**

~Rosey


	4. I Will Never Wear a Dress Again

Hey guys! Well here's entry four. I'm glad you all seem to be enjoying this so far!

Disclaimer: I am not Charles Dickens.

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

Today was, without a doubt, the bloody weirdest and freakiest day of me life so far.

I wore a dress.

I, the Artful Dodger, Jack Dawkins, wore a blinkin' bloody blasted dress.

So did Oliver and Charley. Oliver...that ain't really a shocker, is it? Charley though? Almost as shocking as me doing it. Almost.

Okay, so let me explain. Oliver didn't make us put on a fashion show, despite what I'm sure you're thinking. We had to sneak into the Three Cripples. Why did we have to sneak? Weeell...I'm kinda banned from there for a while 'cause apparently I break too much stuff when I fall over each time I see Nancy. Oliver's banned 'cause he tried to break into the kitchen and to make cauliflower pudding. And Charley's banned 'cause one time he had a tad too much sugar and "caused a riot." But for the rest of us it just caused a bloody funny time.

But back to me story. So I wanted to go into the pub to see Nancy, Charley wanted to see Bet (I ain't no genius, but I think he has a thing for me sister), and Oliver wanted to sneak back into the kitchen to make squash whole grain pie. So we realized we needed disguises. Well the only ones we could find were three dresses hanging out to dry on a clothesline. Oliver was very excited and instantly claimed the pink frilly one. Five times. It was not pleasant. There was a blue and purple one left and I got the blue one after using some...er...selective language to tell Charley I wouldn't wear purple if he paid me. Plus, even though I didn't point this out...thebluegoeswithmeeyes.

IF YOU BLOODY TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT, DIARY, I'LL TEAR YOU UP AND THROW YOU IN THE BLASTED FIRE AND SCATTER YOUR ASHES ON OLIVER'S AVOCADO ICE CREAM!

So we put the blinkin' things on and snuck into the pub easy enough. But once we got inside some men winked at us so me and Charley got outta there real fast.

Oliver stayed.

That's all I have to say about that.

ANYWAY- Me and Charley got out of those dresses and tried to forget about it. But let me tell ya...puttin' on a lacy blue dress ain't something ya can just forget about.

Oliver just came in...he's still wearin' the dress. I worry for that kid. I really do.

So Bet won't let go of the fact I died twice yesterday. I keep telling her I'm perfectly fine and it ain't like I saw the light or nothing, me heart just stopped for a few minutes. But apparently that's a big dang deal. I don't know. Now she's being even more over-protective of me. I cleared my throat this morning and she was sure I had strep. And then I was pouring hot tea and the steam got in my face and she thought I had a fever. And she made me stay in bed for two hours. Two. Hours. It was torture. And just two minutes ago I sneezed 'cause there was dust in the air and she's quite sure I have some life-threatening disease. She also worries me. I'm so generous...spendin' time worrying about her and Oliver. That's a good mate, right there.

Well Oliver's doing ballet now so I'm gonna go watch him. It's a good source of entertainment.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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Hehe poor Dodger...life's crazy ain't it? Well I hope you all liked this chapter!

Review?

~Rosey


	5. Squirrels are Out To Get Me

Hey guys! Ok, here's the next crazy adventure in Dodge's life. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not. Dickens.

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

I was very, very bored today. So I did something very, very random.

I talked to a squirrel.

It wasn't easy, let me tell ya, mate. I don't speak fluid squirrel, so most of it was guess-work. But I think our conversation kinda went like this:

_Me: 'Ello! I'm the Artful Dodger._

_Squirrel: Is that your real name?_

_Me: Nooo...but I like it better than my real name._

_Squirrel: What's your real name?_

_Me: Jack Dawkins._

_Squirrel: I'm going to call you Leo._

_Me: Where the bloody 'eck did you get 'Leo'?_

_Squirrel: Figure it out._

I couldn't, so I went on.

_Me: So wot's it like, being a squirrel?_

_Squirrel: My name is Rupert._

I never asked him his name, but I just went with it.

_Me: That's...nice._

_Rupert: Where'd you get your top hat, Leo?_

_Me: Bet. I found out she's my sister a few days ago._

_Rupet: You only found out a few days ago? Wow. You're dumb._

At this point I poked Rupert with a stick and he didn't like that, so he didn't call me dumb again and we went on.

_Me: So do you like prunes?_

_Rupert: Yes. Do you?_

_Me: No. I'm allergic._

_Rupert: What happens if you eat one?_

_Me: I can't breathe and my tounge swells up all funny._

_Rupert: I was legally dead for a minute before._

_Me: I WAS DEAD FOR FIVE MINUTES I WIN!_

_Rupert: That's...nice._

_Me: Thank you._

_Rupert: People are staring at you because you're talking to a squirrel, Leo._

_Me: Squirrels are staring at YOU because you're talking to a person._

_Rupert: Touche._

The next part really freaked me out...Rupert started singing.

_Rupert: OH LORD WON'T YOU BUY ME A MERCEDES BENZ?_

_Me: What the bloody heck is a Mercedes Benz?_

_Rupert: GASP! You don't know? What century do you live in?_

And I guess he got really offended and he crawled back up into his tree and threw a nut at my head. So I threw a turnip at him. He said the Squirrels would come for me in the night now. I didn't believe him.

But now it's the middle of the night and I keep seeing squirrels everywhere I look. I can't sleep! I can't close my eyes without seeing their evil little faces! I think they want to push me down a long, never-ending chute! Or at least tickle me to death with their stupid fuzzy tails. Squirrels are evil, Diary, and they will come for you in the night. I don't think I'll ever be able to get a full night's sleep again. And I'm only seventeen, so that's lotsa years without good sleep. Bet won't like that...Then again she's probably already worried for me 'cause I told her I talked to a squirrel, threw a turnip at him, and now he's coming for me. Not the smartest move, mate. Not the smartest move.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger, Squirrel Victim

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Hehehehe this was too random to resist:) Hope you all enjoyed it! :)

And whoever is the first person to guess why Rupet called Dodge "Leo" gets to decide what the next situation our little Dodge gets in will be (must be rated K+ or K)! Put your guesses in your reviews:)

Review? Maybe?

~Rosey


	6. I'm a Wonderful Actor and I Hate Sikes

'Ello! Well here's the next scenario our poor Dodge gets into...Enjoy! :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing! And I don't encourage stealing or taking things without permission!

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

Today was Sikes's Birthday. Which means we had to get him a cake. Which means today was very...interesting.

Oliver was all for making a spinach cake, but we told him Sikes wouldn't appreciate that. Nancy and Bet were at work so they couldn't make him one. And none of the rest of us could cook. So me and Charley and Oliver and Fagin had to...weeeelll...

Okay, here's the story. So we were walking along trying to think how to get ol' Sikes a cake. And then we saw a huge one in the window of a bakery.

"Ohmigosh!" Oliver squealed. "It's perfect! But how to get it..."

Fagin was all for holding up the bakery, stealing the cake, and running out. But I told him that most likely wouldn't be good for our reputation...Holding up a bakery for a cake. Charley suggested smash and grab. But then Oliver got an idea and threatened to sing opera in our ears if we didn't follow. So we did.

There was a cart near by that was selling tomatoes and Oliver bought one (even though I could have stolen it...kid never listens to me). And then Oliver threw it at my shoulder.

"Wot was that for?" I demanded, watching as red tomato juice ruined my poor puffy shirt.

Oliver just rose an eye brow and then I got it. Rolling my eyes, I turned to the bakery and busted inside.

"I'M BLEEEEDING!" I screamed. I'm a wonderful actor, let me tell ya. "I DON'T WANNA DIEE!"

There was only one person in there-the baker lady-to see my awesome act, which is sad because that was an award winning performance, let me tell ya. I managed to get over this disappointment, however, and flung myself against the counter. "HELP ME KIND LADY I'M BLEEEEDING!"

"Oh my goodness!" she gasped, looking absolutely terrified because my performance was so believable. "What happened?"

"I..." Then I realized I had no story as to why I was bleeding. So I resorted to another dramatic "I DON'T WANNA DIEEE!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Charley sneaking inside and over to the cake in the window. I realized this was the most vital moment in my performance and so I decided to stumble behind the counter and let out a blood-curdling scream before falling dramatically to the ground. I was quite proud of my performance, let me tell ya.

"Oh my goodness!" the lady said again. Honestly, was that all she could say? I wished she would, like, scream or something to add to my performance, but I had to carry the act all by myself. So she got down beside me and I saw Charley grab the cake and run out. So I sat up, bowed, and left.

I think she threw something at me and called me something quite rude, but Oliver, Charley, and Fagin were laughing too loud when I left for me to be quite sure. And then she realized the cake was gone and she got all mad so we had to run away from there real fast.

But then it started to rain. And the cake died. And my awesome acting was all for nothing. I was not happy.

So we stopped in at the Three Cripples because it was raining real bad. And when Bet saw the tomato juice on my shirt she thought I was bleeding and she got all crazy.

I liked her better before she was my sister.

So when Nancy and Bet saw that the cake was ruined they said they'd make one 'cause Sikes is oh-so-important and has to have a cake.

My Birthday was last month.

I got a small potato and a pocket-watch that I stole myself.

I really don't like Sikes...So I just got him an acorn. Maybe the squirrels will turn on him instead.

And no, the squirrels haven't gotten me yet. But they will! I haven't slept for two nights in a row.

Well Sikes is about to come in so we can celebrate his stupid birthday. I ruined my puffy shirt and put on an amazing act for him. I'm just too nice.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger, Actor and owner of ruined puffy shirt

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Hehehe this was slightly based off a scene from _Swing Kids _where Christian Bale's charater puts on a huge act with tomato "blood" so his friend can steal a radio. Pretty awesome.

Well...REVIEW? Maybe? I'd appreciate it. *innocent blink*

~Rosey


	7. I Hate Valentines Day and Small Potatoes

Ok, here's the next scenario! Hope you all are enjoying this so far! This is for you, RTTugress! Hope it makes you laugh! :)

Disclaimer: *glare* Don't. Own. Oliver. If I did, Nancy and Dodger would be together and Sikes would fall off a cliff and Oliver wouldn't be the star.

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

I hate Valentine's Day.

I really, really, really do.

Nancy invited me to go shopping with her for "Valentine's stuff" today. I got all excited 'cause I took it as either an invitation for a date or an invitation to go get each other Valentine's gifts.

I was wrong.

She took me to go shopping for Valentine's gifts for Sikes. Sikes! BLOODY BLINKIN' BLASTED BLOOMIN' BLIMEY SIKES!

Needless to say when I found out I was tempted to jump off London Bridge, but I figured time with Nance was time with Nance so I went with her to go find a bloomin' present for that stick-happy jerk.

She took me to all these different carts that was selling Valentine's stuff...She kept asking me if he would like this or that or the other thing, and I just went with it. Honestly, I would like to get him a good kick in the leg for Valentine's Day, but he deserves a lot worse than that with the way he treats Nance...

Well there was this one cart that was selling boxes of chocolates and I thought HEY! I could get those for Nance and even buy them myself, 'cause I have the money and I wouldn't want to give her something I stole anyway, she deserves better than that. So I bought a box and went over to her, smiling all proud.

"Look, Nance! This is for yo-"

"Oh Dodge it's perfect! Bill loves chocolates! Thank you so much!" she grinned, taking them right out of my hand.

I really, really hate Valentine's Day. I accidentally ended up paying for Sikes's stupid gift. And it was supposed to be for Nance. Life. Is. Not. Fair.

The only Valentine I got was a small potato from Charley, 'cause he felt bad for me. But I'm getting sick of small potatoes. I think if I see another one I'll throw it at the person who gave it to me.

But I guess I ought to give props to Charley for at least getting me something. He's a good buddy. Even if he is a little...booooooiiiiiing.

But you know what I'd really like to get? A new puffy shirt. MINE IS RUINED AND SMELLS OF TOMATOES. Want to get me a Valentine, Dairy? A new puffy shirt? Maybe?

Fine. You won't get what I was going to get you. I was PLANNING on getting you a nice bookmark, but you can FORGET it now.

Ow! You just gave me a paper-cut! SOMEBODY'S bitter!

I still hate Valentine's Day. Sikes smooched Nance after she gave him MY bloody chocolates. She was supposed to smooch ME when I gave her the bloody chocolates!

I.

Hate.

Valentine's Day.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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This came from my own slight dislike of Valentine's Day...lol. Hope you all liked this entry, though! If you did, and want to let me know, or want to give constructive criticism...

**REVIEW! **

~Rosey


	8. I Want to Boot Oliver off the Island

'Ello! Sorry I haven't updated for a little while...I've had homework like none other! Thank goodness for the weekends...So kind to us writers, yah?

Disclaimer: I don't steal nor do I encourage it unless it is done by the Artful Dodger himself. Then he may steal the day away for he is awesome and it is his job.

~Rosey

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Dear Diary,

Oliver's officially lost it.

Well, alright, he lost it a long time ago. But today he just proved he was crazy a thousand times over.

He made us have a tea party. And I ain't talking some proper British posh thing, no. I'm talking he was in a princess dress and threatened to take us to a ballet if we didn't play along.

He can be very convincing.

So all of us, this includes Fagin, Sikes, Bet, and Nance, were forced to sit at his frilly little table while he poured us tea into China cups. Where the bloody heck he got China cups I couldn't tell ya. Probably what he steals while out on the job instead of logical things like, I don't know, money?

But anyway, so then he serves us these things he called "finger sandwiches" but I ain't a cannibal and don't much want to eat some bloke's finger, so I said no. He threw a small potato at me. I threw it back and hit him right in the keister. Perfect aim.

Then he was all "Alright ladies and gentlemen. And Sikes. Let's begin by telling each other our deepest secrets like it's a slumber party!"

I choked a little on my bloody anchovy baguette he made me eat. I bleedin' hate secrets. Not that I have any! Ahem.

"I'll go first!" Oliver chimed. "My secret is...my real name is Olivette!" And he gasped and covered his mouth with his manicured little hands.

But none of us were really shocked by this news and in fact often call him that behind his back anyway, so we moved on.

Next it was Charley's turn. "My secret is..." he said a little melodramatically. "I happen to know Dodger has a thing for Nancy!"

So I kicked him particularly hard under the table. And he corrected himself and said that wasn't true and his secret is he has a thing for Bet, which received him a whop upside the head from Bet. Poor guy. A thing for me sister. That most likely ain't a great idea.

Then it was my turn and I was all, _Bloody heck, I don't know what to say 'cause I have a LOT of secrets that I'd rather keep a secret like how I keep a diary or like how my dad was a meanie or like how I like Nancy a LOT a LOT, or how I time traveled once and rode an elephant on Noah's ark. _So I settled with "The squirrels are out to get me."

So after everybody told their blasted secrets (except Sikes who was at this point so angry he was even AT a tea party he was just fuming silently-silent, but deadly) Olivette said it was time for a waltz.

Now I don't dance. Except if maybe it's to "Consider Yourself." But waltzing? Not up my alley.

But I figured, hey! Maybe I can dance with Nance!

Nope. One of the little kids got her first. And Bet was taken. And by now everybody had a partner except me.

And Sikes.

I'm starting to really not like Olivette.

So Sikes and I had to waltz together. Which wasn't fun 'cause he got to lead and he "led" me all the way out the door and then pushed me down the stairs.

The good news? I didn't die this time!

The bad news? I can't move me arm. That's a bad thing, ain't it?

And I still don't have a new puffy shirt, either! And it's all Olivette's fault. I think we should boot him off the island, so to speak.

Who's with me?

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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Hehehehe poor Dodger...What WILL he get into next?

If you have any ideas PLEASE tell me in a **review**! I need some ideas, mates!

~Rosey


	9. Itches You Can't Scratch are NOT Funny!

Ello! Sorry for the wait...Life's been hectic! Well, I hope you all enjoy this entry! Love you guys:)

Disclaimer: *blink*

~Rosey

* * *

Dear Diary,

It was raining so hard outside today even Fagin didn't want us to go out in it 'cause he said we'd all get pneumonia and die and then who would get him his money? So we stayed inside. And then we got bored.

We played hide-and-go-seek. Which I'm pretty good at. Or at least I thought I was. But turns out even the Artful Dodger has some problems with that game sometimes.

Ok, so here's the story. Bet was "it" first, and since she and Nancy and Fagin are the only ones out of the all of us who can count, they were the only ones who were ever "it." So she started counting, and I smushed myself between a bunk and the wall for my first hiding place. Let's just say it's a good thing I ain't claustrophobic. And guess what? She found me last. So I won that round. Technically I should have been "it," but like I said I don't do the whole counting thing, Fagin counted next.

AND GUESS WHAT, DIARY!

Me and Nancy hid together! It was quite nice. We got behind that old curtain thing in the corner and sat side by side for, like, six whole minutes! Or at least I think it was six. Like I said, I don't do numbers.

But anyway, as we were sitting back there, I got an itch on my arm. And that bloody curtain moves if you so much as twitch your blasted nose. So I was in a pickle. It got real bad, too. And I didn't want Nance to think I was weird or nothing, so I just sat there and tried to ignore it.

Guess what?

When you try to ignore an itch, it just gets worse. My arm started twitching a little and Nance, being sweet, kind, and generous as she is, asked me if anything was wrong. She had to whisper it real quietly, ya know, and I whispered back that yes, something was wrong I had an itch on my arm and I couldn't scratch it. And then guess what she did?

She bloody laughed!

She laughed and got us found by blinkin' Fagin! I love the girl, but an itch you can't scratch is NOT a laughing matter.

Nancy counted next, and I hid under the table. Not the most original place, but I figured it was so obvious nobody would think of looking there. And they wouldn't have. If Bullseye didn't ruin it.

I was hiding and suddenly that stinkin' dog got under the table with me and decided he wanted to play. He tackled me and started licking my face and jumping all over me...Usually I don't mind that, but when you're trying to play hide-and-go-seek, being attacked by a playful dog ain't exactly a positive. I was found real fast.

After I was found (thank you, Bullseye) I helped find everybody else. Oliver wasn't too hard to find 'cause he kept giggling and squealing, so he lost every round. And Charley wasn't too hard to find either, 'cause he sneezed real loud. And Charley's a sore looser, so he quit the game after that little incident. And then he went over to me and said I should quit too because apparently me and him ain't had any "Dodger-Charley time" lately and he wanted to play cards with me. And since I don't exaclty love losing either, I agreed.

So while everybody else took part in that hide-and-go-seek monopoly, me and Charley played poker. I would have won, but like I said, Charley's a sore looser so I let him win. The first time. But the second time I couldn't help myself and I won. He got all pouty, but demanded a re-match. He's my best mate, so he don't get too sore when I beat him. Which happens a lot.

After a while, Oliver wanted to have a ballet-dance-off. We said no. So he did it by himself and we watched. It was our source of entertainment for the rest of the day.

Well, it gettin' late. I better start me Squirrel Watch Out. They're still out to get me, I tell you!

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

* * *

LOL This was based off a time my sisters and I played hide and go seek...Except I was the giggler. It was hilarious.

Sooo...Do you guys have any ideas for what should happen next? If so, tell me in a...

**REVIEW!**

~Rosey


	10. FanFiction and FanGirls Are Scary!

Allo! Here's chapter ten! Sorry for the wait...I had an awful case of writer's block for this! But I'm baaackk! And, yes, this was AGAIN inspired by a fan-fic by xRajahx…"The Day Roger Quit Fan-Fiction." Girl's a bloody brilliant author.

**A/N: This chapter contains some HUMOROUS fun-poking at _Oliver! _****fan-fics in general. NONE OF THIS IS DIRECTED AT ANY ONE AUTHOR AND EVERY WORD OF THIS IS PURELY FOR HUMOR'S SAKE. I even poke fun at myself! So no hate-mail please..._I love you all and would NEVER write anything to hurt ANYBODY_! This is all jokes! Hahaha material! Okay? **

******Okay?**

~Rosey

* * *

Dear Diary,

Wow life has been boring here. I mean usually Oliver's at least, ya know, having an opera-sing-off with himself, but even _he's _shut up lately. Which is kinda scary. Like the world's ending or something.

But yeah, life's been so freakishly dull lately that I'm kinda starting to think the Big Man up there is giving us a break before something really huge and major happens...LIKE A SQUIRREL INVASION!

Which is gonna happen.

Okay, you wanna know how boring it's been around here? Yesterday me and Charley were out on the job and, get this, _nothing went even remotely wrong._

I'm dead serious. No almost-getting-caught (which doesn't really happen to me, but does to Charley at least once a week), no having to wear dresses, no reason for me to use me amazing acting skills again, nothing!

And then when we got back to the hideout, Nancy was playing cards with Oliver. And when she won she gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "It's okay, honey! You just might win next time!"

This isn't really boring, I just thought I'd rant about it 'cause the last time me and her played cards, I let her win and she just shook my hand and said "Good game, Dodge." I swear that girl is so bloody blind I'm suprised she don't need glasses.

So I was so bored that I decided to take advantage of that computer thingy-ma-jiger left to us by the aliens (**A/N: Refer to my fic _Consider Yourself in the 21st Century_**) and just see what was going on out there in the big bright beautiful world.

And I found a little thing called Fanfiction dot net.

Diary I'm so scared I could pull an Oliver and scream like a little girl.

Okay, so apparently there's these people called "fangirls" who, somehow, know the entire story of my life and of the lives of all the good people around me and make _stories _about us. I ain't kidding. It's scary.

They seem to like to torture me a LOT, which isn't exactly a friendly thing to do. Plus, they like to pair me up with "OC's." _(Dodger glares at Rosebud5.) _I mean, some of them are nice and I actually wouldn't mind meeting said girl.

But some are just flat out scary.

Oh! There are some fics about me and Nancy I quite like...Like _A Winter's Chill _by someone called Maplefrost who needs to update that story quite badly 'cause I wanna know if I live or die and plus also if me and Nance end up together!

Maple, me mate, if you're reading this, you're bloody brilliant and I wanna know what happens. Let me know, would ya?

ANYWHO, wanna know what's even more scary?

This diary. Is on that...um...what the word? Oh, yeah. "Website."

HOW THE BLOODY HECK DID THIS ROSEY GIRL GET A-HOLD OF ME DIARY?

And that's not all! At the top of all these stories these fan-people put something called "disclaimer" (or most of 'em do, anyway) at the top of the stories and they say they don't "own" me! LIKE BLOODY HECK YOU DON'T! And then when they say they wish they did? That's even creepier.

Creeps.

You scare me.

And then there's these things called "Slash fan-fics"...Not even gonna tell you about them.

I have been emotionally scarred.

I had to wash my eyes out with scalding hot water.

Which Bet didn't like at all.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!

If any of you fangirls are reading this (which apparently you do) PLEASE no...how would I write this..."Bet/Dodger" stories! 'Cause that would be just wrong.

I mean I guess I couldn't stop you.

But please.

But you may write as many "Dodger/Nancy" stories as you like.

Just keep 'em rollin' in.

'Cause it looks like that's as close as I'm gonna get.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

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**Like I said, all of this was purely for HUMOR'S SAKE and was not directed at any one author. It was directed at the lot of us:)**

_**PLEASE**_ review? THEY GET YOU DODGER HUGS!

And Rosey hugs, if you'd like one.

LOVES YA!

~Rosey


	11. Yes, I Would Kill My Top Hat for You!

Hey all! I'm so glad you are enjoying this! Here's chapter eleven!

Disclaimer: I only own the story line.

~Rosey

* * *

Dear Diary,

So I've decided I don't care what you crazy fan-girls do I'm gonna carry on like I don't even know you're there.

Except, ya know, for the traps I might have set...

ANYWAY. So Charley came up to me today and said "Dodge, wot would you do for a chance to save me from, say, fallin' off London Bridge?"

I just kinda looked at him for a second before saying, as any friend would, "I'd do anythin', mate."

"Would you cut off your leg?"

Now when I told Nancy I'd do anything for her, she gave me reasonable options, like climbing a hill. Of course I'd do that! I ain't against a good hill-climb. But leave it to Charley to give me an option like cutting off me leg.

"Why would I do that?" I asked him.

"It's your only option!" Charley insisted. "Either you cut off your leg or I fall off London Bridge!"

"Well, would I 'ave to do it meself?"

"No. Sikes would do it."

"WHAT?" I was shocked that me good buddy could have such a twisted mind.

"It's that or I fall off London Bridge!"

"But I don't want-"

"WHAT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU?"

"Okay! Okay! I'd let Sikes cut off me leg so you wouldn't fall off London Bridge."

Charley seemed content with that until a new idea struck him. "Would you get the plague to stop me from fallin' off London Bridge?"

"Huh?"

"Would you let a diseased rat give you the plague so I wouldn't fall off London Bridge?"

"Charley, you're not bein'-"

"Dodger!"

"OKAY! FINE! I'D GET THE PLAGUE TO STOP YOU FROM FALLIN' OFF A BLOODY BRIDGE!"

So by now I said I'd get me leg whacked off and get the plague for my best friend to stop him from falling off London Bridge. But then he hit me with the worst one yet.

"Would you throw your top hat into the river to stop me from falling off London Bridge?"

Charley can just be cruel sometimes.

"My top hat?" I said, wounded. "You want me to destroy me top hat for ya?"

"Only if it was gonna save me from fallin' off London Bridge."

"I CAN'T KILL ME TOP HAT!"

"BUT IF YOU DON'T IMMA FALL OFF LONDON-"

"OKAY!" By now I was red-faced and verging on insane and I caved-I couldn't help it!-before falling into a chair. "Okay! I'd destroy me top hat to save ya from fallin' off London Bridge."

Charley sat next to me, grinning. "Thanks, mate. You're a diamond."

"Yeah. Sure," I groaned. "Any time."

Ya know, I probably would do all that junk for him. Charley's a good friend, he is.

But I just kinda wanna know what he'd do to stop _me_ from falling off London Bridge...

'Scuse me. I gotta go ask Charley some questions.

Yours Truly,

The Artful Dodger

* * *

Hehehe poor Dodger. I could just picture them having a conversation like this, couldn't you?

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

~Rosey


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